Wednesday, August 27

Top 5 Action Movie Fight Rules

1. Don't let blood stop you. Only the weak bow out of a fight because they're bleeding. Blood should motivate you to greater anger and power. Also don't let the blood get in your eyes.

2. Keep it simple. Don't try to adapt your fighting style to your opponent. You'll lose every time. If you're a beefcake with a solid right hook, don't try to do a flying jumpkick just because you're fighting a little ninja-type opponent. Land the uppercut before he has a chance to backflip and kick you somehow.

3. Never, ever lose your gun. If you've lost your gun, it probably wasn't your fight to win. It may be time to throw up your hands and give up the diamond/code for the safe/girl now. Statistics say that if you've lost your gun, you have an 89% chance of losing the fight. However, if you find yourself in that situation, there are some tactics you can use. See appendix A below.

4. Always have a witty catchphrase. You never know when it will be time for the finishing move. A finishing move isn't a finishing move without a witty/ironic phrase to accompany it. So if you need to, sit down sometime and write out a few that may be appropriate. They should be original. No "Yippee kai yay. . ." That one is clearly the property of John McLean.

5. Always go for the quickest finish. I know this is contrary to accepted practice, but if you're fighting on a roof, just throw the guy off! None of this trying to punch and kick and struggle. Just get the job done. Too many good heroes have been wasted showboating on top of a train or inside a helicopter. Just finish your opponent and move on to more pressing matters (like landing the helicopter or stopping the train).

Appendix A: Top 5 Things to do when you've Lost your Gun

1. Neutralize your opponent's gun. If your nemesis is carrying a gun and has taken yours, now is definitely time for the quick kick or chop to get the gun out of his hands. This is crucial in buying you time, and giving you a chance to win. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 64%.

2. Call on a sidekick. If you've had some bumbling friend/relative/protectee travelling with you up to this point, now may be the time for him to prove his usefulness. Go ahead, see what that little whiner can do. You never know when he'll spill a jar of marbles or trip in to the bad guy's face or something. Of course you may have a professional sidekick. In this case a little nod of the head or flick of the eyes toward the appropriate blunt instrument may be all that's necessary. Your side kick will know how to take care of the rest. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 58%

3. Play mind games. This isn't guaranteed to work with all enemies, and it's known success rate is pretty low. Still, it may be worth a shot. Some common mind games include: feigning ignorance to the point of irritation, convincing your nemesis his gun does not work or is not loaded, convincing your nemesis he is losing his mind, etc. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 23%

4. Use your environment. In the event that you lack a sidekick, this may be time for you to survey your environment and find something that may help you. Fire extinguishers have proven to be useful in these situations. Maybe you're in a science laboratory and can get your hands on some acid. Maybe you're in an office with strong staplers or very sharp pencils. Be creative here, you never know what could save your life. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 43%

5. Delay and call for help. I know this one seems simple, but it can be very effective. Perhaps you're in a position to alert the authorities, but they need enough time to come to your aid. A good conversation may be all you need here. Having your nemesis outline his plan to conquer the world/steal your woman/kill you is a good tack to take here. Stroke his ego, make sure he knows he's won. Also, if you can call in some kind of military operation or air strike, you may find it much more effective than the local police force, which seems to lack its fair share of wits sometimes.

Monday, August 25

Top5 Waterborne Wipeouts

5. The Twisting Barrel Roll.  This commonly occurs when the rider of a tube is rotationally torqued by the boat towing them beyond their ability to manually correct, causing them to 'fly' off the tube in a series of fast, twisting barrel rolls at a high lateral velocity.  Anyone at a distance will observe this as a mighty 'skipping' motion across the water.  Possible damage: subluxated vertebrae, tweaked cartilage, and occasionally a rare condition known as 'water-burn'.

4. The Slam-Dunk.  Usually experienced in choppy water conditions, the knee-boarder has succesfully absorbed the impact of several evenly spaced waves only to be trounced up in the air by an unanticipated cross-current wake.  Upon landing, the unfortunate water enthusiast is smashed into the face of an oncoming wave, causing them to either 'explode' from the board or 'crumple' into it, a phenomenon that is in large part decided by what the person had to eat for breakfast that morning.  Possible damage: compressed vertebrae, bulging discs, blown knees, and ruptured eyeballs.

3. The Electro-Shock Drop.  When a slalom skier ends a glorious series of sweeping turns by attempting to cut into the wake at an over-ambitious angle, causing them to fall sideways and slam in to the water fully extended as if they'd been tasered.  Possible damage: bruised ego, bruised mid-section, bruised thighs, bruised torso, basically bruising to whatever part of the water enthusiast's body that has hit the raised edge of the boat's wake.

2. The Belly Plant.  When a water skier leans too far forward in their stance, this combination belly flop/face plant is inevitable.  At slower speeds this simply results in a refreshing dip under the water, but at higher velocities full-body welts are quite common.  The water enthusiast should beware of sleeping face-down after experiencing this type of wipeout, and really of allowing anything at all to touch the front of their body for several days afterwards.  Possible damage: concussion, full-body welt, broken nose, reverse wedgie, screechingly painful testicles, and permanent flattening of the face.

1.  The Superman Recovery.  This wipeout begins in much the same way as The Belly Plant, with the water enthusiast having buried both planks under the water, resulting in their forcible ejection from the ski boots.  However upon becoming airborne, they quickly realize the advantage of their position over one of a lower elevations and form up into a flying diving stance, arms above the head, legs pressed together Dolphin-like to ensure a smooth transition into the water.  As this is quite an impressive feat, the ski boat's occupants may wish to award a score out of 10 for their friend's dive; points should be awarded based on height achieved at liftoff, ease of entry into the water, and number of shrill epithets shouted while in the air.  Possible damage: none, this is just awesome.  Props, Dave.

Honourable mentions: 

The Enema.  The opposite of The Belly Plant, here the water enthusiast leans back too far in their stance, thus causing their rear-end to skid along and then under the water at high speed until the resultant drag plucks them from the safety of the tow line.  While there are potential health benefits associated with this wipeout, no research has been done to confirm the fact.  Possible danger: too much enema.

The Nose Enema.  A face plant variation on The Enema wipeout, here there is a definite reverse-scooping motion associated with the forward plant, causing water to rush up the nose at incredible speeds.  Possible dangers: paralysis due to violent snapping back of head, flooding of the brain pan and subsequent brain short-circuiting, loss of all or part of nose, permanent phobia of any standing body of water.

Saturday, August 23

Top 5 Words That Don't Rhyme With 'Orange'

1. Adolescent
2. Ceiling
3. Distinctive
4. Suspicious
5. Flagrant

Monday, August 11

Top 5 Stages of Growth

5. Infancy
4. Childhood
3. Puberty
2. Adulthood
1. Machine

Friday, August 8

Top 5 Observations

1. Surrey Central Station is terrifying as soon as the sun goes down. There is a fairly heavy police presence there at night, but it doesn't stop the scary crazy people from congregating there. As one fellow so astutely phrased it tonight, "I think I'm crazy, and I'm pretty sure it's not the good kind. You got any spare change?"
2. I'm eventually going to be on the news, either as the person being interviewed as a witness to a violent clash at Surrey Central, or as the victim on the Global News nightly violent report.
3. Crazy people shouldn't own crazy dogs, and shouldn't get mad at me for kicking the crazy dog in the teeth when it tries to bite me. This could have become observation 2 in a hurry, but my bus came and I got the F out of dodge before I got a shiv in the mouth.
4. Some people shouldn't be allowed to work with the public. When you ask for a double double, and the cashier informs you that they don't in fact serve double doubles, something is amiss. Even more so when it is a Tim Hortons cashier informing you that the double d is a figment of my tiny imagination (I was told that there has never ever been such a thing as a double double.) When asked incredulously how long said employee had been working there, the startling reply of 2 years was given. I then asked how she had been able to keep her job in spite of her complete lack of intelligence (I might have bandied about the word moron, but I can't be 100 percent sure.) I was then asked to leave the store, upon which I asked to speak to a manager. I never got my double double.
5. I freakin love Surrey. It's like a whole new world (without the magic carpet, talking parrot, helper monkey or the hot chick. I surprisingly do have a blue genie, but that should stay on the DL.)

Thursday, August 7

Top 5 Dance Command Songs

1. Backstreet Boys - Everybody (Backstreet's Back)
"Everybody, rock your body. Everybody, rock your body right.

2. Madonna - Vogue
"Vogue. Let your body move to the music."

3. C&C Music Factory - Everybody Dance Now
"Everybody dance now. Everybody dance NOW."

4. Outkast - Hey Ya
"Shake it like a Polaroid picture."

5. David Bowie - Let's Dance
"Put on your red shoes and dance."

Honorable Mention: Flight of the Conchords - Who likes to Rock the Party. "All the ladies with their babies make their babies shake their booties, yeah."

I'm going to write a dance command song.

Also, I've been away on a boat for a week. I came back and found that the last post was mine - from more than a week ago. Come on people, we can do better.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]