Monday, August 25

Top5 Waterborne Wipeouts

5. The Twisting Barrel Roll.  This commonly occurs when the rider of a tube is rotationally torqued by the boat towing them beyond their ability to manually correct, causing them to 'fly' off the tube in a series of fast, twisting barrel rolls at a high lateral velocity.  Anyone at a distance will observe this as a mighty 'skipping' motion across the water.  Possible damage: subluxated vertebrae, tweaked cartilage, and occasionally a rare condition known as 'water-burn'.

4. The Slam-Dunk.  Usually experienced in choppy water conditions, the knee-boarder has succesfully absorbed the impact of several evenly spaced waves only to be trounced up in the air by an unanticipated cross-current wake.  Upon landing, the unfortunate water enthusiast is smashed into the face of an oncoming wave, causing them to either 'explode' from the board or 'crumple' into it, a phenomenon that is in large part decided by what the person had to eat for breakfast that morning.  Possible damage: compressed vertebrae, bulging discs, blown knees, and ruptured eyeballs.

3. The Electro-Shock Drop.  When a slalom skier ends a glorious series of sweeping turns by attempting to cut into the wake at an over-ambitious angle, causing them to fall sideways and slam in to the water fully extended as if they'd been tasered.  Possible damage: bruised ego, bruised mid-section, bruised thighs, bruised torso, basically bruising to whatever part of the water enthusiast's body that has hit the raised edge of the boat's wake.

2. The Belly Plant.  When a water skier leans too far forward in their stance, this combination belly flop/face plant is inevitable.  At slower speeds this simply results in a refreshing dip under the water, but at higher velocities full-body welts are quite common.  The water enthusiast should beware of sleeping face-down after experiencing this type of wipeout, and really of allowing anything at all to touch the front of their body for several days afterwards.  Possible damage: concussion, full-body welt, broken nose, reverse wedgie, screechingly painful testicles, and permanent flattening of the face.

1.  The Superman Recovery.  This wipeout begins in much the same way as The Belly Plant, with the water enthusiast having buried both planks under the water, resulting in their forcible ejection from the ski boots.  However upon becoming airborne, they quickly realize the advantage of their position over one of a lower elevations and form up into a flying diving stance, arms above the head, legs pressed together Dolphin-like to ensure a smooth transition into the water.  As this is quite an impressive feat, the ski boat's occupants may wish to award a score out of 10 for their friend's dive; points should be awarded based on height achieved at liftoff, ease of entry into the water, and number of shrill epithets shouted while in the air.  Possible damage: none, this is just awesome.  Props, Dave.

Honourable mentions: 

The Enema.  The opposite of The Belly Plant, here the water enthusiast leans back too far in their stance, thus causing their rear-end to skid along and then under the water at high speed until the resultant drag plucks them from the safety of the tow line.  While there are potential health benefits associated with this wipeout, no research has been done to confirm the fact.  Possible danger: too much enema.

The Nose Enema.  A face plant variation on The Enema wipeout, here there is a definite reverse-scooping motion associated with the forward plant, causing water to rush up the nose at incredible speeds.  Possible dangers: paralysis due to violent snapping back of head, flooding of the brain pan and subsequent brain short-circuiting, loss of all or part of nose, permanent phobia of any standing body of water.

Wow. That was pretty amazing.

While I've never heard of this Superman Recovery, I'm impressed someone has pulled it off. Props to you indeed Dave. Whoever you are.
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