Wednesday, August 27

Top 5 Action Movie Fight Rules

1. Don't let blood stop you. Only the weak bow out of a fight because they're bleeding. Blood should motivate you to greater anger and power. Also don't let the blood get in your eyes.

2. Keep it simple. Don't try to adapt your fighting style to your opponent. You'll lose every time. If you're a beefcake with a solid right hook, don't try to do a flying jumpkick just because you're fighting a little ninja-type opponent. Land the uppercut before he has a chance to backflip and kick you somehow.

3. Never, ever lose your gun. If you've lost your gun, it probably wasn't your fight to win. It may be time to throw up your hands and give up the diamond/code for the safe/girl now. Statistics say that if you've lost your gun, you have an 89% chance of losing the fight. However, if you find yourself in that situation, there are some tactics you can use. See appendix A below.

4. Always have a witty catchphrase. You never know when it will be time for the finishing move. A finishing move isn't a finishing move without a witty/ironic phrase to accompany it. So if you need to, sit down sometime and write out a few that may be appropriate. They should be original. No "Yippee kai yay. . ." That one is clearly the property of John McLean.

5. Always go for the quickest finish. I know this is contrary to accepted practice, but if you're fighting on a roof, just throw the guy off! None of this trying to punch and kick and struggle. Just get the job done. Too many good heroes have been wasted showboating on top of a train or inside a helicopter. Just finish your opponent and move on to more pressing matters (like landing the helicopter or stopping the train).

Appendix A: Top 5 Things to do when you've Lost your Gun

1. Neutralize your opponent's gun. If your nemesis is carrying a gun and has taken yours, now is definitely time for the quick kick or chop to get the gun out of his hands. This is crucial in buying you time, and giving you a chance to win. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 64%.

2. Call on a sidekick. If you've had some bumbling friend/relative/protectee travelling with you up to this point, now may be the time for him to prove his usefulness. Go ahead, see what that little whiner can do. You never know when he'll spill a jar of marbles or trip in to the bad guy's face or something. Of course you may have a professional sidekick. In this case a little nod of the head or flick of the eyes toward the appropriate blunt instrument may be all that's necessary. Your side kick will know how to take care of the rest. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 58%

3. Play mind games. This isn't guaranteed to work with all enemies, and it's known success rate is pretty low. Still, it may be worth a shot. Some common mind games include: feigning ignorance to the point of irritation, convincing your nemesis his gun does not work or is not loaded, convincing your nemesis he is losing his mind, etc. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 23%

4. Use your environment. In the event that you lack a sidekick, this may be time for you to survey your environment and find something that may help you. Fire extinguishers have proven to be useful in these situations. Maybe you're in a science laboratory and can get your hands on some acid. Maybe you're in an office with strong staplers or very sharp pencils. Be creative here, you never know what could save your life. Odds of winning the fight in this case: 43%

5. Delay and call for help. I know this one seems simple, but it can be very effective. Perhaps you're in a position to alert the authorities, but they need enough time to come to your aid. A good conversation may be all you need here. Having your nemesis outline his plan to conquer the world/steal your woman/kill you is a good tack to take here. Stroke his ego, make sure he knows he's won. Also, if you can call in some kind of military operation or air strike, you may find it much more effective than the local police force, which seems to lack its fair share of wits sometimes.

Holy crap. I haven't even read this post yet and I'm impressed. The sheer volume of space it takes up boggles the mind.
That's downright impressive.

RE: #4: Hot Fuzz

Danny: Where's the trolley boy?
Nicholas: In the freezer.
Danny: Did you say "cool off?"
Nicholas: No I didn't say anything...
Danny: Shame.
Nicholas: Well, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
Ha. I love that part!
Good memory Kyle!
Doesn't Danny say "Chill Out?"

I remember thinking "Chill Out" is absolutely the best thing to say in that scenario and "Cool Off" being the second best thing to say.
Well, in the interest of posterity, I watched that part again to see what was what. And he does say "cool off". Although the rest of the quote was pretty much wrong...
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