Saturday, November 4
Top 5 Disguises to Use In Order To Gain Access To Someone’s Home To Rob It And Yet Not Technically Be ‘Breaking In’, As Defined By The Criminal Code
1. A Clown
Probably the most effective disguise, the clown suit allows a person to arrive unannounced and with little need for an excuse to enter one’s residence. They are universally known for being obnoxious and overbearing, which is a great tool in disorienting the owners of the home you are ripping off. You might also choose to use some of the Joker’s tactics, such as a flower that sprays sleeping gas, to knock out your victims. Also, you will have probably made a child very happy in the process of stealing his television. This could help the judge be more lenient in sentencing you, should you fail to escape.
2. A Long-Lost Cousin/Friend From College/Lover
People are easily embarrassed, and hate to admit they don’t recognize you. This works in your favour when they really don’t, in fact, know you. By pretending to be a special someone from their past, be it distant family or someone with whom they had a one-night stand (though a passionate night it was), they will accept you into their home for fear of looking insensitive and silly. When they lean in to give you a hug, knock them out. Proceed with your pillaging.
3. A Location/Talent Scout for a Movie
People are suckers for fame. Promise them a good cocktail party story (“Yeah, the house they used in that new movie is OUR house! We even got to meet (insert name of famous hot person)! So good!”) and they’ll practically be giving you their stuff. Feel free to video tape the entire thing for laughs later on. Also consider sending them a copy, so as to still give them a good cocktail party story (“Yeah, they told us they were scouts, when really they were just clever thieves! See this part coming up – yeah, that’s when they knocked me flat! So good!”).
4. A Prophet of Apocalyptic Proportions
This works most effectively in ultra-religious neighborhoods. Watch any number of televangelists/Armageddon-zealots and you’ll know that with the appropriate words and force you can scare anyone into doing whatever you want. Leave a bottle of holy water on the way out and you probably won’t have to worry about being reported to the police. Repeat this at the same home several times for maximum looting.
5. Jehovah Witness
Granted, most people avoid letting Jehovah Witnesses into their homes like they avoid drinking expired milk. Which is why this is number 5. Still, it allows a thief to present a meek and mild, even holy appearance, while secretly scheming to be anything but. It also allows for a dramatic entrance: “Hi, my name’s Bill. I’d like to share with you the good news of Jesus Christ…He says to give me all your money, sucka!” At which point it helps to trip them, throw a potato sack over their head, or perform the Vulcan death grip.
Probably the most effective disguise, the clown suit allows a person to arrive unannounced and with little need for an excuse to enter one’s residence. They are universally known for being obnoxious and overbearing, which is a great tool in disorienting the owners of the home you are ripping off. You might also choose to use some of the Joker’s tactics, such as a flower that sprays sleeping gas, to knock out your victims. Also, you will have probably made a child very happy in the process of stealing his television. This could help the judge be more lenient in sentencing you, should you fail to escape.
2. A Long-Lost Cousin/Friend From College/Lover
People are easily embarrassed, and hate to admit they don’t recognize you. This works in your favour when they really don’t, in fact, know you. By pretending to be a special someone from their past, be it distant family or someone with whom they had a one-night stand (though a passionate night it was), they will accept you into their home for fear of looking insensitive and silly. When they lean in to give you a hug, knock them out. Proceed with your pillaging.
3. A Location/Talent Scout for a Movie
People are suckers for fame. Promise them a good cocktail party story (“Yeah, the house they used in that new movie is OUR house! We even got to meet (insert name of famous hot person)! So good!”) and they’ll practically be giving you their stuff. Feel free to video tape the entire thing for laughs later on. Also consider sending them a copy, so as to still give them a good cocktail party story (“Yeah, they told us they were scouts, when really they were just clever thieves! See this part coming up – yeah, that’s when they knocked me flat! So good!”).
4. A Prophet of Apocalyptic Proportions
This works most effectively in ultra-religious neighborhoods. Watch any number of televangelists/Armageddon-zealots and you’ll know that with the appropriate words and force you can scare anyone into doing whatever you want. Leave a bottle of holy water on the way out and you probably won’t have to worry about being reported to the police. Repeat this at the same home several times for maximum looting.
5. Jehovah Witness
Granted, most people avoid letting Jehovah Witnesses into their homes like they avoid drinking expired milk. Which is why this is number 5. Still, it allows a thief to present a meek and mild, even holy appearance, while secretly scheming to be anything but. It also allows for a dramatic entrance: “Hi, my name’s Bill. I’d like to share with you the good news of Jesus Christ…He says to give me all your money, sucka!” At which point it helps to trip them, throw a potato sack over their head, or perform the Vulcan death grip.
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I didn't give permission to use my name as a verb, adjective, adverb or any other kind of sentence fragment. My lawyers will be contacting you.
Please don't! I can't afford another lawsuit -- not so soon!
I will share my booty with you.
And by booty I mean loot.
I'm sure we could make some arrangement...
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I will share my booty with you.
And by booty I mean loot.
I'm sure we could make some arrangement...
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