Stop Five Records

1. A girl's face! - This is illegitimate because relatives don't count when it comes to celebrity signings. Dan... we ALL know it was your mother's face you signed at the Kutlass show in Abbotsford.

2. An arm - Dan, when i saw you in Kelowna, you had "Dan Donkers" signed on your OWN ARM. It just doesn't work that way.

3. A shoe - Signing a shoe found at Willow Park Church's lost and found doesn't count as a legitimate celebrity signing.

4. A cap, which I signed "I'm busting a cap" - Please don't tell me you're back to call your self "busting a cap"? Dan, it's time someone told you, "busting a cap" just isn't a good Gangsta Rap name. I know you want to be like your hero Busta Rhymes, but "busting a cap" will just get you... well... um... Capped! This was a valiant effort in wanting to become a celebrity who signs stuff with a pseudonymn but I'm still gonna have to render it illegitimate.
P.S. When you sign stuff you can just sign your name. You don't have to introduce yourself by using, "I'm" or "Hello My Name is..." or "Greetings and Salutations, my friends call me..." Just your name or pseudonym will do.

5. A pink shirt, which I signed with "Pink is the new DAN DONKERS" - Again, a very valiant effort Dan. I almost gave this one to you. But then I realized, you simply cannot arbitrarily steal a celebrity's identity and trade it with your own identity. Were you implying that "Pink is the new Dan Donkers" and therefore, "Dan Donkers is the new Pink"? I'm pretty sure Pink is not parading around calling herself "Dan Donkers." But, if and when she does, I will gladly start calling you "Pink" and recant my stance on all of these points.